The Unknown: Why it terrifies me?

I have a second interview tomorrow. I am excited because I really need this job. I need for more reasons than the average person. This is the key to my future, not just career wise but relationship wise as well. I need this job so I have stability for Ryan to come.

I love him, and I am absolutely terrified to lose him. I know I could live without him in my life, I could move on and survive, but I don't want to. I want to share everything with him. I need to establish a solid system so he can come here and so he can start fresh too.

I'm really afraid of the unknown at this point. I don't like not knowing what will come next. Everyday I wake up and hope that things will get better each day...and that I won't receive bad news.

Life is a scary thought...and growing up is even scarier.

Off to New Orleans for a week on Saturday. Hopefully seeing my friends and family will bring my spirits up and distract me for a bit.

Go away black cloud...

So I had a bit of a mental breakdown on the phone with Ryan today...this is not out of the ordinary for me when I am thrust into a new environment alone. For one, yes I really miss him and as much as I am trying to keep myself busy, it doesn't get rid of this fact. I really really miss him. I miss his hugs, his words, his humor, and just him.

I am sure he is tired me saying it because he knows. Some days for me are better than others. Some days I am super happy and motivated and then a day like today comes along and I get a little sad. I have a lot to be excited about today...I got my first call back for a job.

I applied for this position just this weekend and I got a call today for a short informative interview. I think it went really well and honestly I have a good feeling I will get the job. It would pay well and I would have the potential to learn a lot. I just hope I get it...

I really want to start working. Ryan wants to come for a visit but I need to start working to show him the US is the place he should be. He kind of knows it...but he needs to be completely convinced and thats the point of a visit. For him to experience it.

Speaking to him on the phone, he gave me a long pep talk and told me to keep my head up that it would work out....all why I sobbed like a baby. I trust that he is right...and I know he is deep down. I am just in denial...and it doesn't help that the monthly black cloud came for a visit today. I wish it would stay away....

They promised me I would never have to do math again!

I woke up this morning ready to start applying for more jobs. I went through various positions and I think after the 10th job application and the 10th time of writing the same stuff about my education and work experience and saying that I am over the age 18 yrs etc, I found a position to sell insurance. Now this is not the most ideal sounding position but honestly I can sell anything and make it fun. I love to sell. So I was eager to apply for this position. I know it will pay good money. I get through the entire application process and receive that confirmation email. I open the email and it says, you have to complete a short 60 minute (60 MINUTES, sorry but that is not short) questionnaire. Now normally when I see these things I think, its aptitude questions. Nope...it's all math.

NOw math was no my strong subject in school...it was my worst subject. Anyone who knows me, knows how much math has been a big fat negative in my life. When I finished my last math class in undergrad Sophomore year, I thought "hurray done forever". My degrees, both Bachelors and Masters have nothing to do with real math.

This whole thing has me beyond stressed out. I know it is perfectly possible to sell successfully without having to do advanced mathematics...so this is just crap.

I don't think I did well....so I think I can count that position out of my future career goals.

On a lighter note, I have been watching "Amazing Wedding Cakes" on WE and now I want to learn to decorate cakes for a hobby....now I have to find a class to teach me.

Ryan and I had our first attempt at Web Cam chatting yesterday and it went very well...It made me super duper happy to see his adorable face again after a whole week! Hopefully he will book a surprise flight to come see me in March or early April..HINT hint nudge nudge ;-)

The Inner Fat Kid is starting to show....

So in the last year...well not even a year, more like 6 months, I have put on 15 pounds. Now as much as I am really happy to have a figure...I had to go out and buy all sort of new Jeans as I couldn't fit into anything. Now that I am back I am determined to exercise to get toned up. I don't want to lose weight cause I'm happy with the extra baggage....but I wanna have more energy. Now as I am typing this, I have a treadmill in front of me screaming "GET OFF YOUR BUTT".

So this new move has also inspired me to feel better on the inside and look better on the outside. This obviously involves me doing good things for myself.

As much as I know Ryan likes my new figure....I need to love myself too. So this whole journey is about loving me again not just loving someone else. I think the biggest problem people make, especially women is that we love our partner soo much that we tend to overlook ourselves sometimes. You have to keep in mind that he or she fell in love with you because of who you are as a person and your confidence. You cannot lose that over time or they will see a different person. I changed a lot in the last 2 years...some of the changes I don't like very much and that is precisely why I made this choice. I need to find me again...even if me is 15 lbs heavier :-)

It's still okay though that I have a "snuggle" chat with Ryan before bed though....cause thats a big part of me too ;-)

I like my Guinness Coooollllddd!

I went to this local watering hole of my Uncle and Aunt's last night. I think it is called John's Place? Anyway, I was excited cause I found out they serve Guinness on tap along with a few other nice lagers and bitters. I wanted to check this out as Ryan and I were both curious to see if he could really find America's British heart. Turns out, Americans love the British. I mean we took their language and improved it, we then took their food and improved it and now we have taken their idea of the "Pub" and made it a bit more "chic".

I am not saying the idea of a pub isn't nice. I love English pubs. We just like to take the idea and make it American...like we do with everything. I am definitely not in denial of this.

So they serve up this Guinness and man was it freezing. In England they serve beer room temperature. In America we like our drinks cold...really cold. It was so yummy. We do this because in the summer its too damn hot to have a warm beer....and its hot here most of the year.

So last night out turned out to be a lot of fun...even if I felt like I am slowly aging into oblivion. I am really loving being here.

And now Ryan has promised a web chat this weekend....which makes me smile. Hopefully he will book that flight to visit soon.

What is it with this whole application business?

I have been applying for jobs since Monday. It is now Friday. Yea my head is spinning in circles. I don't understand why they ask for your CV/Resume and then ask you to fill out your information including education and work experience. Isn't that what the resume is for? Its exhausting. I have applied with Telecommunications, Publishing, banking, insurance, tax collection, universities, etc. Most of the positions are high end sales positions as they make good money and it can be a lot of fun if you enjoy the job.

For example, I applied with Scholastic Publishing, my friends in the US will know this one from their childhood. Pretty much every classic children's book ever published is done so with Scholastic. I think it would be a really fun job as I love books and I love children's stories.

Today I spoke to Ryan. Told him I miss him, like I do everyday....he told me he missed the Power Rangers. Men....what can you do. Haha.

I am off to have a pint at the pub here.

Starting Fresh

So I have been in England for the last 2 years, since September 2008. I finished my Masters in International Law there and met the most amazing man. I love him very much, but if love was all a person needed to be happy then I wouldn't have left him to come back to the US.

I made the difficult decision in August last year to come back and start my career in a place I know will make me happy and a place where I can live my dream of a great career. England unfortunately never did that for me. Ryan was not going to be enough.

So I packed my things and left a few days ago to come here to Charlotte, North Carolina to see where my hopes would take me. I left Ryan behind with the hope that we would be together soon.

Now it is in the hands of fate and God to decide if we belong together. This will be the story of this strenuous journey.